Dear, Mister Grimm Reaper…

“Tell me which is difficult to live or to die?”

I know I’m still alive. The sensation still lingers, I could feel it. My heart beats, the faint voice of breathing and the steady warmth. These things, you could say, are the signs to consider for you to distinguish life. But it’s a lie, a complete farce that humans continue to heed on for an eon. I’m not foolish enough to believe such sugar-coated words that hide its true horrid for those who feign ignorance. Then if it’s true, why do I feel I’m dying?

 From the beginning, I was like a living corpse; I live because I need too, because I was there. It was like a necessity. To speak whenever someone talks to me, to laugh if everyone does it, to do mischief just to act as my age, to care as if I really care. Did I really care? I don’t know. My body seems to be in a rigor mortis, or maybe was it my feelings that become rigid. Frozen, seems to be exact word for it, I couldn’t trust my feelings any longer to the point I am confused to whether my actions are genuine. To be human you need to have emotions. It isn’t measure how you reside but the feelings you put into it.

Dying seems like a cruel manner to say it. I may have exaggerated the idea, or have gone suicidal. To tell the truth, I’m afraid to die or be aware of the pain of it. Everyone does know the feat of losing his own life. It’s dark, gruesome and frightful. Moreover, taking away your own life is a sin; a transgression which is unforgivable. Then I’m asking the God of death, that if he can take away existence then an end wouldn’t be an option. To never exist might not cause cruelty to the people around us. Since living is as intricate as dying.

Dying and living are parallel to each other.  Both difficult to do, if you look closely the complication of living is hurting other people and same goes for dying. Because if you die, those people who are concern for you will mourn .They will grieve for your death.  So that’s why no matter what you choose the conclusion will still be the same. Quite nerve wracking isn’t it?

Believe me I didn’t have the slightest idea of blaming you, the Grim reaper, of this bewilderment. And I never thought of ending myself just because I ran out of feelings to pour out.  It was like plain curiosity that brought me to write this and I am more prompt to think complex stuff than any other kids at my age.  So basically, I am just annoying the Death god.

I may have said disturbing things or aggravate a certain God but I will still proceed on finding the truth meaning between the thin line of life and death.

Earphones

Feeling so secured,
With my earphones in the right place.
Highering the volume,
I’m separated from reality.
Lalalala.

The songs in my playlist,
Seems to tell my story.
How stupid.
Believing in such petty dreams.
Lalalala.

I mouthed the lyrics.
Move my feet to every beat.
My connection, my world.
Yes, this is my music.
Lalalala.

Before reaching my destination,
Walking down the bus,
My earphones got tangled up.
Too late, it’s torn apart.
Lalalala.

Now, I feel so empty.
Biting my lips,
I take my broken music to my pocket.
Hoping I could save it.
Lalalala.

I’m Not Him

You’re him,
Yet you tell me, you’re not.
How many times would you repeat that?
It hurts.
It kills.
That look in your eyes
Makes my soul quiver
That every breathe you take
Sucks the air out of my lungs

You’re him,
Yet you tell me, you’re not.
Are you calling me a liar?
It’s crazy.
It’s foolish.
I’m so comfortable with you.
I’m so mesmerize by you.
Please, please stay by my side.
Here. Now. Always.

You’re him,
Yet you tell me, you’re not.
Don’t you believe in me anymore?
Enchant me.
Love me.
Let’s make every touch, our forever.
Hold me deeper. Hold me closer.
Never let me go.
But you won’t. You won’t do that.

You’re him,
Yet you tell me, you’re not.
Why aren’t you speaking?
It’s finish.
It’s done.
I don’t want to hear it anymore.
I’m not him, you spoke.
You are! You are!
I love you.

You’re him,
Yet you tell me, you’re not.

To Know Someone Who I Am Not

What can you trade to have a glimpse of another person’s soul? Time and books. You can never buy time for it is too costly, but books are cheaper. For a few dollars, you gain permission to see another existence different from yours. Stories carry the fleeting, unpredictable and volatile embodiment of humanity. Things that are usually unseen to the naked eye.

Reading is not a portal to escape reality. Neither it is not for good tidings nor true love. Though I may say, everyone yearns for such things but a reader is of a different matter. A reader sees past every obscurities and seeks the most precious part of a tale. She grasps the inner ocean of a man’s soul through her books.  For every written word inked in a page is a fragment of a character. Their whole lives laid down perfectly in that hands of a paperback.

But what is a reader seeking in her books? I could not answer for the general population. It differs from one reader to another. For my case, I sought a modest yet deeper treasure in the possession of a book. I search for the hidden emotions in the beautiful metaphors, sentences or letters carefully printed in paper. Their anger, their happiness, their pain, their tears, their madness, their innocence, their desires, their struggles in their very own humanity. I want to feel it and live their lives for a few minutes.

A lifetime is not enough to experience the whole universe. Yes I do have my own life, but with books, I could be someone else.  A warrior. A rebel. A lover. A pirate. A jedi. A president. A robot.  An orphan. A criminal. A bird. A scientist. An outcast. An alien. A monster. A tree. Someone who I want to know. Anyone who is not me. Maybe by reading, I could understand the complication of their souls. Maybe I could be connected to them, not just by words or experience but something more profound, life.

For me, reading is not merely a hobby. It is a way to comprehend an essence of life. A way to feel another soul’s emotions and be captivated of its passions, good or bad. Reading is my way to understand someone who I am not.

 

 

 

For Your Sake

Have you ever ridden a roller coaster before? Most of us have already experience the ride of a lifetime, yet surprisingly some insistently avoid such adventure and danger. I can’t blame them, one always needs to be careful especially when it comes to amusement parks. Regardless of the fear or the excitement, the sensation of a first ride would always be memorable.

Imagine the strong gush of wind flowing into your hair, the heavy breathing and the quickening pace of your heart, the endless shouts and chatters of your ridemates, the rustling sound of moving steel and chains, and of course, one cannot forget the powerful view that would make anyone feel as if he’s the king of the world. When the times comes that you are in the peak of the ride, everything comes down in a quick “swoosh”, quick and crazy. Like everything that surrounds you is an impact. Powerful and strong. You are unable to close your eyes, because you want to see it all, the impact and the thrill.

Our life is like a roller coaster ride, full of impact, full of ups and downs. At some point, we feel like we are standing on the top, the winners, and the champions. We hold everything as if we own it, even the future. We don’t care, except ourselves. We live at our own pleasure. We live for the thrill and for the impact. But when the moment comes that everything goes down in a great “swoosh”. We lose ourselves. We forget who we are and the most important existence in our lives, Him.

Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down. There should be an “up” but for others, they couldn’t overcome the “down”. What do you do in these moments? We naturally look for comfort. People tend to look for a quicker route to escape their agony and problems. Desperately, we search for other people or things just to ease the pain. Yet it doesn’t go away, sometimes it makes the matter worse. To tell the truth, people will fail us sooner or later. Even our family, friends, all the people we put our love and trust. That is the inevitable. That is a fact.

But let me tell you another certain thing, the one I put most of my confidence in, Jesus would never fail you. He would always be there for you. Even in the days you are in the darkest. He is not indifferent in our sufferings. He sees it all. You would surely ask me, why doesn’t He do anything? Why doesn’t He remove the pain and uncertainties? Because we need to struggle. We need to become stronger than we were before. Problems exist for two reasons. First, it is our stepping stones to make us a better person than we were before. Second, it helps us recognize who we are.

It is true that humans are imperfect beings. Unlike God who has an impeccable existence, no error or such. Yet He called us His children. We are not perfect but we should strive to be like Jesus for all the days of our life. Even if it’s difficult to be like Him, even if it’s painful to be like Him. Our bodies surely won’t have a forever, but our souls needs an eternity with our Savior. That is why, remember who you truly are. You are son/daughter of God.

You may think that I speak a lot of beautiful words, when the world is not. The world tells us what to do, what to think, what is beneficial, what is right, what is real. You become confuse, unable to move. You try to please everybody. In the end, you become restricted by their words and could not make a choice. I will tell you couple of truths. The world has its side of awfulness and a side of beauty. And you cannot please everyone. You cannot make everyone happy and satisfied. Whatever choices you will make, there would always be disappointment. It could be your friends, your work, your neighbor, your family. It could be everyone you love and cherish.

You are only one person. You can only please one existence constantly. Then why don’t you choose Him? The One who has loved you unconditionally. The One who traded His life for you. The One who knows you the best. The One who saved you. Jesus. With conviction, you would never regret this choice.

Remember, no matter how many rides you take in a roller coaster. No matter how much up and down you experience. You are not the sum of your mistakes, but the multiplication of the choices you make.

 

 

 

 

 

Who I Really Am

To forget my origin is one of my greatest fears. Being soaked in luxuries, experiencing uncommon riches, and living an extravagant life do not appeal to me anymore. For I know there will be a day, I will forget who I am and what I am fighting for. It is a terrifying thought to lose yourself against the world.

The promises I made would be left hanging in the air like residues forgotten and unseen. The people who were closest to me and whom I shared same dreams would become strangers to my eyes. All the existence that constitute my soul before would be replaced by something foreign, an alien.

There will be a moment when I look into my reflection, i wouldn’t recognize the girl in front of me. She would be someone else, unrecognizable and unfamiliar. What would I do when that time comes? Scream? Cry? Panic? Smile? The last would be my defeat. My own personal living rigor mortis. I would be indifferent to all pains, internal or external. No amount of words would bring me back if I reach this ending point.

I would hopeless fall to my own chasm, unable to move or or speak. I’m terrified.

The I, Who is not Me

Days passing like this, I feel like the wind. Unnoticed. Flowing. Where would be my destination? Everybody is slipping away like a dream only for the night. My life is uneventful. No impact. My emotions are frozen and stagnant. I wish I could fly like an eagle, soaring high. Feeling the rush of life in my skin, vibrant and continuous.

My soul, the inner sanctum of my existence, yearns for something deep and passionate. She yearns for something more than she deserves. Where am I going? This land is a foreign space. I am just like Alice, lost in her own wonderland. A wonderland where the embodiment of madness is herself, her own existence. The tea parties are like the dinner nights together with the whole family, volatile and crazy. The queen of hearts is the royalty of disaster. The rabbits wore not waist pockets, but sneakers and pants.

I am an idiot, close to her insanity. Currently, I am laughing at myself. All of I wrote was simply gibberish. Out of nowhere. Maybe if I look at myself in the mirror, I would see somebody who is not me. A girl who has the same face, but a different character. She is the impeccable existence, without fault or error. I, the oddity. What is this reflection doing? Of course, she is doing my life.

The Duke

The Duke which I crowned him

Cruel, stubborn, lonely yet kind

That’s what I saw in him

 

He kept mostly to himself

Grasping his excalibur in the darkness

Never admitting his radiance

 

But to all the facade he had shown in the realm,

There is more, than what lies seen

There is more, than meets the eye

 

Who would have thought,

A traveling witch would see a fragment of him?

Hiding in the shadows, crying and desperate

 

As he kept mostly to himself,

Wearing his best mask ever, cruelty

Fooling everyone of his deceit

 

But to all the facade he had shown in the realm,

There is more, than what lies seen

There is more, than meets the eye

 

The witch had always known

That underneath the disguise

Was always a gentle king

 

She had always known

That underneath what the duke knows

Was a genuine royalty

 

But to all the facade he had shown in the realm,

There is more, than what lies seen

There is more, than meets the eye